6:11 pm

Ghosts.

What are they? Well, the first answer is "not real," obviously, but the second answer, and the one I'm going with today, is that ghosts are dicks. They are. When have you ever seen a nice ghost in a movie? That's right, almost never. 99% of those fuckers (the other 1% are Casper and that bathroom pervert ghost in Harry Potter) just go around revenge-killing people who usually aren't even tangentially related to the ghost's grisly fate, because that's how revenge works in horror movies; someone dies in 1407 and then they spend the next two hours of your life creatively murdering teenagers whose only hobbies are making bad sex puns and canoeing.

But what if ghosts were real, and not just a figment of part-time plumbers' imaginations? What would they be like?

I know what I'd be like.

A dick.

Not the murderous kind of dick; just the change-your-tv-channel-to-BET-and-never-let-you-change-it-back kind of dick. The knocking things off shelves kind of dick. The flicking you in the back of the head while you shower kind of dick. Imagine if in Poltergeist, the house had been built on a 90's teen sitcom graveyard instead of a native american one, and you'll get the idea. I'm talkin' pranks, here; pranks of the highest order. Best part is, I'd be safe from any and all possible retribution on account of being, y'know, intangible. Incorporeality--not incorporealty, that's a catchy name for why the housing bubble popped--would be the ultimate get-out-of-anything-free card; I could spread peanut butter on every inch of someone's bed and they couldn't do anything, because fuck you, I'm a ghost, what are you gonna do, take me to ghost jail? I've got something better than diplomatic immunity, assholes! 




Once in awhile I'd be nice to the people who I'd decided to torture for the entirety of their mortal existence, of course. Leave 'em some flowers. Peel their carrots for a salad. Of course, to them, the magical self-peeling carrots would be absolutely fucking terrifying and the flowers would merely imply they're being stalked, but that just enhances the fun. Gotta sprinkle some laxative into the cupcakes, too, of course...

Now, you might be thinking that I'm kind of a bad person. You wouldn't take advantage of your complete immunity to all retribution; you'd be a nice ghost. But would you really? As an old saying goes, "absolute power corrupts absolutely," and I'm absolutely sure that even the most auspiciously altruistic among us would fall prey to the allure of a little mischief. Maybe that's how the horror movie ghosts started out, you know? First you put saran wrap on the seat, next week you're eating their ear; it's a slippery slope. If it happened to Mike Tyson, it can happen to you.


1:14 pm

Procrastination

I hate it when I'm writing something important and somehow end up watching cat videos for hours and never finish the sente

9:41 pm

Dear People Who Stand as Close as Possible During Conversation,

Please stop. I like talking to people, but not if they're about three millimeters away from licking my forehead when they speak.You may not have realized it, but being close enough to tell what brand of toothpaste you don't use makes me uncomfortable. An easy rule to follow for you tact-impaired individuals is if you're close enough to fuse with me and form a symbiotic organism, that's too close. Back away until I no longer look like a child listening to his parents argue about who ordered the complete Buttsluts saga, movies I to XVII.


5:35 pm

Unused Microsoft Press Release


Thanks to my extensive network of sources deep within the mysterious, menu-filled bowels of Microsoft, I've uncovered an unused digital press release promoting Kinect.


The full, unabridged document has been copy-pasted below, including images:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 Reasons Why Kinect is the Best Thing Ever
By Jim Dickleford


1) You can play games with your body!    



Wow! This was a thing you could literally never do before! Now, instead of using pesky, un-immersive, inefficient methods like controllers, you can flail about just like Master Chief would!

What's that? You can't play anything mainstream with it?

Oh.

*Ahem*

You can flail about just like unnamed soccer player #17 would, the Kinect's highly advanced suite of sensors tracking your every move with perfect accuracy. Now, you'll be in the generic sports-themed game like never before! You'll feel like you're really there, playing inferior European football with 2006's most advanced graphics. Speaking of advanced...

2) It's the way of the future!



Now, you might be thinking "Isn't Oculus Rift and other such technology the future of VR?" or other similarly heretical thoughts. Well, stranger, before your scheduled burning as a political dissident, you dirty commie you, I'll tell you exactly why you're wrong. It's simple, you see: all those VR headsets only work for your head! The Kinect, as long as you use it in a completely blank void with no furniture like the one pictured above, is 99%* accurate at understanding your movements. Jumping up like an idiot to give your TV an expensive high-five is easily identified and processed by--there's not even a Kinect in that picture. How are they playing the game. Are they playing the game, or just watching the intro over and over again and getting really excited about it? If you didn't tell them that they weren't playing, how long would it take them to figure it out?

Jesus, image department. Get your shit together.

*Your results may vary

3) It will make your fat, horrible failure of a child into a handsome, successful success!



This one's for all the Microsoft Moms out there. Everyone knows exercise makes people less fat. It's science! What's also science is our patented Fat Detection System, which recognizes users of the heavier persuasion and intentionally* fails to register or misreads one in three of their actions. This causes them to work 33% harder in order to enjoy one of the many* great** games available*** for Kinect, giving your 40-something lifetime unemployment-seeker a trim figure in no time!

* many is a subjective term 
** so is great 
*** on Ebay

4) It's the purist's way to play



Have you ever been watching someone play a game? That's a serious question, because I'm not sure most of you have gone outside since 1994, according to Microsoft market research. If you have, were they using a controller? You know, one of those relics of the past with all those silly buttons and sticks and pads and stuff you don't need? Could you barely contain your derision at their downright plebeian choice to control the game using a tried-and-tested method? If not, please stop reading right here, you filthy casual scum. If so, congratulations! Microsoft has your back; if you sit down in your Dorito-dusted Master Chief Edition beanbag and really think about it, Kinect is the purest way to play a game! There's nothing between you and the experience. Sure, you may get absolutely destroyed in multiplayer by the controlletariat, but the one thing you'll always have is your insufferably smug superiority.

5) It has voice recognition!


Yelling at your wife is fun. Yelling at Kinect is more fun, and it can't divorce you or take your money and children! With Kinect, you can finally live out your robotic slave fantasy by ordering Kinect to make you food, get back in the kitchen, google weird porn, reaffirm your tattered sense of self-worth, tell those classic racist uncle jokes (What did the Muslim say when he got on the plane?), call mom, and more! And unlike other, less sophisticated voice technology, Kinect is flawlessy accurate and will never ever misinterpret "Call Janice" as "Wall Milky Anus." We promise.*

* promises may or may not be kept

6) It's a great value!


At only $159.99, the Kinect is as affordable as can be. I mean, who can't afford to spend a buck fifty on gaming accessories? To give you, our dedicated cash whores customers, a better idea of Kinect's true value, let's compare its price to what else you can buy with $160:


  • 40 individual Big Macs
  • Two and a half new games
  • One American hooker
  • Three Vietnamese hookers of uncertain gender
  • Enough sleeping pills to end it all forever
  • Like, a shitload of used games
  • One child support payment
  • An autographed Wham! cassette
  • Three sets of arrows, for hunting the most dangerous game of all
  • A gun
  • A huge box of used dildos, shipping not included
  • Rick Allen's other arm
  • An Atari Jaguar
  • An actual, taxidermy Jaguar


Now that you have all those things to compare it to, doesn't the Kinect seem like a bargain? I can't think of one ladyboy on that list that'd be more bang for your buck. Not that I'd know, or anything.

7) It... it looks cool, I guess?


Admire the sleek, square edges. Run your fingers across its plastic casing. Breathe sweet nothings into the speaker. When you have this in your room, people will be impressed. "I sure wish I had as good of a taste in modern art as Jim" they'll say as they sip artisanal beer from champagne glasses. It might even get you laid. You never know. Hipsters like the whole "spends a lot of money on questionably useful gadgets" thing. Just buy one, you'll see. Seriously, buy one. I SAID BUY ONE.  

8) Please, God, buy a Kinect. Please.

We know it comes with the console, but just... just buy another one, okay? Buy it for your cat to sit on. Buy it for your mantelpiece. Buy it so you can have Skype sex with a 16 year-old from Guatemala. We... we've made so many of these things and you fuckers aren't buying them, goddammit! Don't you have any sympathy for us? We're just a poor multi-billion-dollar company trying to make our way in the world. So what if we wanted to spy on you. So what if we can only play games in 720p. So what if we made Windows 8 so bad that we skipped 9 entirely. WE MADE HALO, YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS, GIVE US YOUR MONEY.

PLEASE.

I can't afford to lose this job

9)






9:16 pm

Reviews For Things I Don't Have: Oculus Rift



The Oculus Rift is a wonderful device heralding the newest frontier of gaming tech and harbinger of humanity's eventual doom, virtual reality.

Pros:

  • Holy shit, I can stare at a low-resolution virtual boob inches from my face!
  • It feels like I'm really there, at least until I have to re-calibrate the head movements, fall over, or use the controller
  • Racing games are FUCKING RAD
  • Everything is FUCKING RAD
  • A purchasable prototype of the future, today!
  • It will blow your pea brain out the goddamn airlock
  • Turns out jumpscares are really effective when the monster's within eye-poking distance
  • Upgrades are always on the way
Cons:

  • Still a prototype
  • You look like a cross between a fucking idiot and Stevie Wonder
  • Name makes me think of massive eye injury
  • Not cheap
  • If you have roommates, they will catch you wanking in VR
  • Motion si-BLARGH
  • Upgrades are always on the way
  • Fight or flight reactions are dangerous to nearby animals, people, and computers

9:13 pm

Spiiicy

Trying a ghost pepper for the first time is like licking Satan's napalm tits. It's the nearest you can come to taste bud genocide without filling your mouth with gunpowder and trying to have a smoke.

9:13 pm

XBOX Live Indie Games: the Saga Begins

The time of transitions has come. The consoles that have sustained my gaming desires for the last near-decade are slowly passing into the wild blue yonder as the spotlight fixes itself on their replacements. The Playstation 4, for all intents and purposes looking like something out of 2001: a Space Odyssey. The XBOX One, complete with needlessly confusing name and Betamax-retro casing. Kinect 2 cries quietly in the corner, buried under the ocean of fucks that no one gives. The Wii U, following closely in the footsteps of its predecessor by failing to come within 6 nautical miles of the hardware specs it should have. Also as before, it's the only place you can play Mario, so suck it up shitlord.

And so, as these brave new heroes take their first real step into the hearts and minds of consumers, graphics slipping out of their shirts and framerate issues falling out of their panties, I'd like to take a look at something very special to me that may not be around forever. I'm talking about indie games. No, not the ever-expanding genre of creative, enjoyable games that break new boundaries in design and aesthetics. I'm talking about XBOX Live Indie games, where you can buy at least five apps that make your controller vibrate for a dollar each. Where sharks will hunt your potato-faced, bikini-wearing ass without a shred of mercy. Where terror lives in watermelon-sized cleavage. Where slideshows are passed off as games. Where misshapen dolls float through the textureless ether as you take a deep, deep look at what you're doing with your life. Or maybe that's just me.

You know what the greatest thing about XBL Indie Games is? It's completely unmoderated. Oh, sure, the games are given "scores" on violence, mature content and sex (some overlap there, guys), 3 being "muchos gracias for the titty-flavoured nightmares" and 0 being "let the kids play it, but only if you hate them." But in terms of making sure the games are fit for your consumption? Absolutely fucking nothing. XBLIG will let you pay a dollar for a game that only "works" in the sense that it doesn't force your XBOX to spontaneously combust upon startup if you're stupid enough to do it. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, motherfuckers, and Microsoft don't have no time for your crybaby shit. This is capitalism, baby. You're gonna have to live with your purchase of Bikini Butts 2: Supreme Climaxxx Edition. You can delete it from your hard drive, but you can't delete the shame in your soul.

XBLIG's greatest strength is its greatest weakness, and vice-versa. Since the barrier of entry is so mind-numbingly low, that means you get miles and miles of exploitative, glitchy, borderline-unplayable garbage, as far as the eye can see. That is how unholy things like THIS can come to exist:


You thought I was kidding about the terror, didn't you.
[GIGGLES!]

Wait, no, please don't close the tab yet. Finish cleaning up your projectile vomit, and I promise there's a good part.

...

We good? No stains? Alright. As I was saying, the comparative ease of publishing via XBLIG is a double-edged sword. Here comes the good edge. For every 500 developers who try hard and fail harder, for every 500 that probably own more onaholes than you do paperclips, for every 500 who are maybe, probably, no, definitely serial killers, for every 1000 who just couldn't give one half of a lonely sad shit, there is one (ONE) developer who used their near-absolute freedom of expression to make something worth your time and money. I want to help you find those few worthy games. I want to help you laugh at the kind of game a compulsive masturbator with a basic grounding in coding and a doctorate in not giving a fuck creates, without having to play it yourself and risk infection. I want to show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

This, my friends, is a guide. A treasure map, as it were. Together we will brave stormy seas, calm waters, dangerously pixelated jungles, and the twisted landscape of the human mind itself to find the legendary El Dorado of XBOX indie games. I can't promise that you'll keep your sanity. I can't promise that you'll keep your faith in humanity. What I can promise are two things: One, you'll never be able to call videogames "art" again without bursting into sad, bitter laughter. Two, and I swear with all my shriveled, blackened heart: it's worth it. Probably.