9:16 pm

Reviews For Things I Don't Have: Oculus Rift

The Oculus Rift is a wonderful device heralding the newest frontier of gaming tech and harbinger of humanity's eventual doom, virtual reality.


  • Holy shit, I can stare at a low-resolution virtual boob inches from my face!
  • It feels like I'm really there, at least until I have to re-calibrate the head movements, fall over, or use the controller
  • Racing games are FUCKING RAD
  • Everything is FUCKING RAD
  • A purchasable prototype of the future, today!
  • It will blow your pea brain out the goddamn airlock
  • Turns out jumpscares are really effective when the monster's within eye-poking distance
  • Upgrades are always on the way

  • Still a prototype
  • You look like a cross between a fucking idiot and Stevie Wonder
  • Name makes me think of massive eye injury
  • Not cheap
  • If you have roommates, they will catch you wanking in VR
  • Motion si-BLARGH
  • Upgrades are always on the way
  • Fight or flight reactions are dangerous to nearby animals, people, and computers