5:35 pm

Unused Microsoft Press Release

Thanks to my extensive network of sources deep within the mysterious, menu-filled bowels of Microsoft, I've uncovered an unused digital press release promoting Kinect.

The full, unabridged document has been copy-pasted below, including images:


10 Reasons Why Kinect is the Best Thing Ever
By Jim Dickleford

1) You can play games with your body!    

Wow! This was a thing you could literally never do before! Now, instead of using pesky, un-immersive, inefficient methods like controllers, you can flail about just like Master Chief would!

What's that? You can't play anything mainstream with it?



You can flail about just like unnamed soccer player #17 would, the Kinect's highly advanced suite of sensors tracking your every move with perfect accuracy. Now, you'll be in the generic sports-themed game like never before! You'll feel like you're really there, playing inferior European football with 2006's most advanced graphics. Speaking of advanced...

2) It's the way of the future!

Now, you might be thinking "Isn't Oculus Rift and other such technology the future of VR?" or other similarly heretical thoughts. Well, stranger, before your scheduled burning as a political dissident, you dirty commie you, I'll tell you exactly why you're wrong. It's simple, you see: all those VR headsets only work for your head! The Kinect, as long as you use it in a completely blank void with no furniture like the one pictured above, is 99%* accurate at understanding your movements. Jumping up like an idiot to give your TV an expensive high-five is easily identified and processed by--there's not even a Kinect in that picture. How are they playing the game. Are they playing the game, or just watching the intro over and over again and getting really excited about it? If you didn't tell them that they weren't playing, how long would it take them to figure it out?

Jesus, image department. Get your shit together.

*Your results may vary

3) It will make your fat, horrible failure of a child into a handsome, successful success!

This one's for all the Microsoft Moms out there. Everyone knows exercise makes people less fat. It's science! What's also science is our patented Fat Detection System, which recognizes users of the heavier persuasion and intentionally* fails to register or misreads one in three of their actions. This causes them to work 33% harder in order to enjoy one of the many* great** games available*** for Kinect, giving your 40-something lifetime unemployment-seeker a trim figure in no time!

* many is a subjective term 
** so is great 
*** on Ebay

4) It's the purist's way to play

Have you ever been watching someone play a game? That's a serious question, because I'm not sure most of you have gone outside since 1994, according to Microsoft market research. If you have, were they using a controller? You know, one of those relics of the past with all those silly buttons and sticks and pads and stuff you don't need? Could you barely contain your derision at their downright plebeian choice to control the game using a tried-and-tested method? If not, please stop reading right here, you filthy casual scum. If so, congratulations! Microsoft has your back; if you sit down in your Dorito-dusted Master Chief Edition beanbag and really think about it, Kinect is the purest way to play a game! There's nothing between you and the experience. Sure, you may get absolutely destroyed in multiplayer by the controlletariat, but the one thing you'll always have is your insufferably smug superiority.

5) It has voice recognition!

Yelling at your wife is fun. Yelling at Kinect is more fun, and it can't divorce you or take your money and children! With Kinect, you can finally live out your robotic slave fantasy by ordering Kinect to make you food, get back in the kitchen, google weird porn, reaffirm your tattered sense of self-worth, tell those classic racist uncle jokes (What did the Muslim say when he got on the plane?), call mom, and more! And unlike other, less sophisticated voice technology, Kinect is flawlessy accurate and will never ever misinterpret "Call Janice" as "Wall Milky Anus." We promise.*

* promises may or may not be kept

6) It's a great value!

At only $159.99, the Kinect is as affordable as can be. I mean, who can't afford to spend a buck fifty on gaming accessories? To give you, our dedicated cash whores customers, a better idea of Kinect's true value, let's compare its price to what else you can buy with $160:

  • 40 individual Big Macs
  • Two and a half new games
  • One American hooker
  • Three Vietnamese hookers of uncertain gender
  • Enough sleeping pills to end it all forever
  • Like, a shitload of used games
  • One child support payment
  • An autographed Wham! cassette
  • Three sets of arrows, for hunting the most dangerous game of all
  • A gun
  • A huge box of used dildos, shipping not included
  • Rick Allen's other arm
  • An Atari Jaguar
  • An actual, taxidermy Jaguar

Now that you have all those things to compare it to, doesn't the Kinect seem like a bargain? I can't think of one ladyboy on that list that'd be more bang for your buck. Not that I'd know, or anything.

7) It... it looks cool, I guess?

Admire the sleek, square edges. Run your fingers across its plastic casing. Breathe sweet nothings into the speaker. When you have this in your room, people will be impressed. "I sure wish I had as good of a taste in modern art as Jim" they'll say as they sip artisanal beer from champagne glasses. It might even get you laid. You never know. Hipsters like the whole "spends a lot of money on questionably useful gadgets" thing. Just buy one, you'll see. Seriously, buy one. I SAID BUY ONE.  

8) Please, God, buy a Kinect. Please.

We know it comes with the console, but just... just buy another one, okay? Buy it for your cat to sit on. Buy it for your mantelpiece. Buy it so you can have Skype sex with a 16 year-old from Guatemala. We... we've made so many of these things and you fuckers aren't buying them, goddammit! Don't you have any sympathy for us? We're just a poor multi-billion-dollar company trying to make our way in the world. So what if we wanted to spy on you. So what if we can only play games in 720p. So what if we made Windows 8 so bad that we skipped 9 entirely. WE MADE HALO, YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS, GIVE US YOUR MONEY.


I can't afford to lose this job



MinionOfPhysics said...

Oh hey.... I CAN post horrible comments :D

Misfire said...

Yeah. Pretty sure I didn't put any filters on or anything, so you can Iron Sheikit out as much as you want.

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