10:20 pm

Ye Olde Fantasy Poste

Fantasy trilogies are like a road trip. In the beginning, everyone's enthusiastic and happy and ready for adventure. The middle book is like the trip itself, in that it's long, boring, and everybody starts to hate each other by the end. The third book is finally getting to Disneyland; it's all fun and games and excitement... until somebody dies.

Yeah, some are really good, but some feel like the second book is a mostly unnecessary exercise in setting up for the third book. Do we really need 600 pages to announce that the final battle is happening soon? That's like a videogame making you go through a three-hour-long tutorial before it lets you fight anything. There's padding out the length, and then there's the equivalent of Dragon Ball Z's 7000 filler episodes compiled into a book.

"Ah! Our quest to find the one star Dragon Ball has led us to our most dangerous foe yet! 
The immortal Colonel Sanders of the Red Ribbon Army!"
[Evil laughter]
[Ass beating]
"He's too strong!"
[Insert Krillin reaction face/death here]
[Yamcha runs away]
[Goku fixes everything in five minutes]

And don't even get me started on those motherfucking elves. Bunch of sanctimonious wet towels whinging on about nature whilst polishing their bows and refusing to help the heroes until the last goddamn minute--and only then because the nature god, Taurus Fuckskillet, finally told them to get off their pretty little asses and lend a manicured hand. Seriously, they're like the A-Team of getting absolutely nothing done. Supposedly famed for their legendary fighting prowess, but then their precious forest gets burned down and they cry onto their wooden friendship bracelets while getting wrecked by medieval Satan's dire wolf cavalry.

Dwarves are way cooler. They're total bros, and they build some pretty, uh, "interesting" fortresses. I mean, what would you rather do: get smashed with a bunch of underground bros and go out hunting for Orcs at 3 am, or sit solemnly in the Elves' talking circle and discuss the merits of green energy and kale salad? I thought so.

If you're a dwarf (or just spend a lot of time in your basement), you may be able to understand this.

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