1:50 pm

Overcompensation Station


You see them a lot out here. They've got big chrome grilles, lifted suspensions, and gigantic, shiny rims that look like they came straight from a 2005 rap video. They're to rural Canada what big SUVs and Lamborghinis are to the Los Angeles elite. They're a redneck status symbol. They are an undying phenomenon. They are the cowboy's Cadillac.


Now let me shit on your Cadillac.

First of all, Chad--because I'm going to assume that your name is Chad, you're 28, date teenagers and work at the grocery store--those wheels are ridiculous. They're an affront to taste. They meet the eyes like a botched vajazzling job or a starving Ugandan child. I wouldn't be so bothered if they were just ugly--ugly and functional is O.K. The problem is, they're not functional. I mean, sure, they work as wheels at a basic level by virtue of being round, but beyond that... do you know what happens when you try to go off-road with huge wheels and tiny tires? The giant lift kit on your truck suggests that you like to go off-road; otherwise you'd be imbuing your vehicle with a ridiculously high center of gravity for no reason other than perceived status, and clearly you wouldn't ever do something stupid like that, Chad. Here, I'll give you a picture, because I know reading is not your strong point.


See that, Chad? That's what happens when trucks with giant rims and narrow tires go off-road. Without a large enough tire to absorb impacts, every jolt or impact transfers all of its force directly to the wheel. And those big-ass wheels are not cheap to fix or replace. The guy in the red truck has it right; his tires are appropriately sized to stand up to the abuse he intends to put them through. Your tires would be punctured by a medium-sized pebble, or perhaps an unusually sharp carrot leaning at an unfortunate angle. From this fact, I must assume one of two scenarios:

1) You lifted your truck, reducing fuel efficiency, safety, stability, speed, acceleration, comfort and usefulness, just so you could look "cool."

-- Or --

2) You have no fucking idea how to modify a vehicle for heavy off-road use and have never heard of Google before.

Now, both of those are entirely possible. Still, my cynical mind tends to believe that you know exactly what you're doing and simply hope that no one notices.

Everyone notices, Chad. People driving Priuses think you're emasculating yourself; more than that, they hate you with a burning passion when it's time to park and your truck is taking up 1.4 spaces because you couldn't see the curb from all the way up there on the Throne de la Douche.

Ah, whatever. At least you didn't make a donk.

My eyes.

2:59 am

Updates!


Well, it's finally happened. I was really hoping to avoid this, but there comes a time when every blog has a self conscious, "I'll update soon, I swear!" post. Usually, that post is followed by the exact same thing in different words two months later, and then the blog's face is held underwater until there aren't any more bubbles coming up. This can happen for many reasons, including author fatigue, busy real-life schedules, horrible life-altering injuries, and so on.

Good thing I don't have to worry about any of those things! I get up at lunchtime, have no steady job, and the most dangerous thing I do is stay up late watching Cosmos on Netflix until I start staring at the ceiling patterns and thinking about the meaning of life. It's safe to say I'll be here for a while. So what's the deal? Why am I so slow at writing this shit? The reasons are laid out as follows, in no particular order.

~Reasons Why I'm Slow to Update This Blog~

- I'm lazy
- I take seven years to edit shit until my neurotic, perfectionist brain is happy with it
- Videogames exist
- Internet chatrooms also exist
- Little green men have stolen my funny and I can't get it back

What's that? You have no sympathy for the blogger with an incredibly easy life? Ah, but you see, it's so hard to... um... to type words with no restrictions, requirements, or... or...

Yeah, I'm going to stop digging this hole. All I will say is that I can, with 100% certainty, promise you a fat man covered in glitter falling through a wall, this week.

Prepare to be shocked.