1:50 pm

Overcompensation Station


You see them a lot out here. They've got big chrome grilles, lifted suspensions, and gigantic, shiny rims that look like they came straight from a 2005 rap video. They're to rural Canada what big SUVs and Lamborghinis are to the Los Angeles elite. They're a redneck status symbol. They are an undying phenomenon. They are the cowboy's Cadillac.


Now let me shit on your Cadillac.

First of all, Chad--because I'm going to assume that your name is Chad, you're 28, date teenagers and work at the grocery store--those wheels are ridiculous. They're an affront to taste. They meet the eyes like a botched vajazzling job or a starving Ugandan child. I wouldn't be so bothered if they were just ugly--ugly and functional is O.K. The problem is, they're not functional. I mean, sure, they work as wheels at a basic level by virtue of being round, but beyond that... do you know what happens when you try to go off-road with huge wheels and tiny tires? The giant lift kit on your truck suggests that you like to go off-road; otherwise you'd be imbuing your vehicle with a ridiculously high center of gravity for no reason other than perceived status, and clearly you wouldn't ever do something stupid like that, Chad. Here, I'll give you a picture, because I know reading is not your strong point.


See that, Chad? That's what happens when trucks with giant rims and narrow tires go off-road. Without a large enough tire to absorb impacts, every jolt or impact transfers all of its force directly to the wheel. And those big-ass wheels are not cheap to fix or replace. The guy in the red truck has it right; his tires are appropriately sized to stand up to the abuse he intends to put them through. Your tires would be punctured by a medium-sized pebble, or perhaps an unusually sharp carrot leaning at an unfortunate angle. From this fact, I must assume one of two scenarios:

1) You lifted your truck, reducing fuel efficiency, safety, stability, speed, acceleration, comfort and usefulness, just so you could look "cool."

-- Or --

2) You have no fucking idea how to modify a vehicle for heavy off-road use and have never heard of Google before.

Now, both of those are entirely possible. Still, my cynical mind tends to believe that you know exactly what you're doing and simply hope that no one notices.

Everyone notices, Chad. People driving Priuses think you're emasculating yourself; more than that, they hate you with a burning passion when it's time to park and your truck is taking up 1.4 spaces because you couldn't see the curb from all the way up there on the Throne de la Douche.

Ah, whatever. At least you didn't make a donk.

My eyes.

2 comments:

MinionOfPhysics said...

Please tell me that last one isn't real?

namtap032892 said...

I think it is, Min. Also, FINALLY some one says something about this shit.

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