9:17 pm

Masturbation Techniques


Have you ever been in the middle of a wholesome session of weasel rubbing and thought, holding your dick contemplatively, that it was all getting a little boring? Do you want something to spice up your nonexistent sex life without having to tell the cashier exactly what size of dildo or what Wheel of Fortune porn parody you want? Well, do I have the roughly organized collection of pictures and words for you! Read on, traveler, and discover many heretofore unknown ways to make your ancestors cry.

The Sloppy Ham-Fist


The classic we all know and love. Just grab the thing and yank. Pretty self-explanatory, but that doesn't stop people from somehow fucking it up every day. The bacon cheeseburger of masturbation, a sloppy ham-fist is warm, comfortable, satisfying, and known to cause heart failure.

The British



Much like the ham-fist, the British is a simple maneuver to pull off for newcomers to the art of expressive sausage smacking. It's ideal for royalty, indie band fans who think they're better than everyone else for doing it ironically, British people who want to quickly identify their nationality on Chatroulette, and people with small penises. Some of those may overlap. To perform, simply grasp the tip of your penis with as few fingers as possible, mutter something about peasants, and proceed to distastefully scowl your way to orgasm.

The Wishful Thinking



The Wishful Thinking is as simple as pretending you have an extra few inches when you really don't. Hover that hand up there, buddy. Length is overrated.

The Julius Caesar



This one is where it starts to get a little difficult. First, put your hand sideways, thumb out, as if riding a snowmobile with cool friends you don't have. Then, begin to make a thumbs-up motion before quickly turning it into an imperious thumbs-down. Open your fingers enough to fit your Peter Piper in and wank furiously, jabbing yourself in the crotch with your thumb as you go. You are now a real Roman Emperor. If you weren't already, try doing this one while thinking of an angry, shirtless Gerard Butler overacting.

The Caesar Salad



Close in name if not in execution, the Caesar Salad starts with pouring Worcestershire Sauce on your dick and ends with a horrible smell and a hearty helping of shame for the whole family. Fossilized bread cubes and tasteless grated cheese may be added for further accuracy, depending on your dedication and willingness to get a horrible infection.

The Firestarter



It's time to go retro. You are a caveman, watching sabertooth tigers gamboll about the wilderness or whatever you do when not hunting, pooping or crying into your Pabst. Night falls, and it is time to start a fire. Do not stop until there is smoke. Needless to say, lube is a no-go in this, the purest and most ancient of all methods.

The Indian Burn


I think this is pretty obvious. Just try not to yell too loudly, or your neighbors will notice.

The Twin Towers


Depending on your personal beliefs, this is either a sudden and unforeseeable attack on your genitalia, or something George W. Bush Jr. planned out so he could have an excuse to steal oil from people in the desert. Either way, it's the reason you can't ride a plane without having your testicles palmed by an unimpressed lady wearing blue surgical gloves.

The Boa Constrictor



Do you enjoy the feeling of being fatally choked by a giant snake? Did that sentence make Freud adjust his skeletal pants? If both of your answers are "yes," get a garden hose and close the blinds, because you won't want the Hendersons to see this one. No complicated procedures here, just wrap your dick in the hose and pull until you might need an ambulance. Remember, I'm not legally culpable for any of this. Just because someone on the internet says you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

The Astronaut


One small fap for man, one gigantic disappointment for your mother; The Astronaut involves finding a small glass bowl, securing it tightly it over the head of your shuttle, and achieving liftoff. This exercise is sure to make your Armstrong, but the only rule is not to let the helmet slip off; otherwise you'll really learn the meaning of "explosive decompression." Try this one and let your semen become space men.

Now that you know of these most hallowed and ancient techniques, you are ready to embark upon whole new horizons in the world of bachelordom. Enjoy mastering masturbation, my friends, and take the following words to heart: as long as insurance covers it, you'll be fine.

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