8:13 pm

Aggressive Advertising



That's an ad. A real ad. An ad that attempts to sell you a web hosting service on the premise that if you don't choose said web service, you must either eat fruitcake or be anally probed. Unnecessarily. Which of those options are the most frightening, I'll let you choose. Personally, I hate fruitcake. Not only that, but it brazenly accuses you, the presumed survey-answerer, of being an idiot for selecting the probing over the other two options. Who are you to judge, DreamHost? Maybe I don't want free web hosting. Maybe your free web hosting is bad enough that unneeded rectal examinations are preferable to using your services. Maybe I just happen to want a terrible dessert, or something in my ass. Or both. Or both in my ass. You don't know me!

So, this ad lands somewhere between "lizard nipples" and "zilch" on the scale of making sense, but that's why it's great. It may utterly fail at making me want to purchase a domain name, but it sure as hell made me stop and pay attention to it. It is to advertisements what a child in Walmart peeing on Tickle-Me Elmo and screaming is to parenting, and I love it. It's like the ultimate motivational self-help message, because no matter what anyone tells you, you can never be as bad at what you want to do in life as whoever made this shit. Think about it; someone hired them, sat them in a comfy office chair, and paid them to deliberate over what font to type "UNNECESSARY ANAL PROBE" in. For a web hosting ad. If they can land that sort of astronomically unlikely windfall, you can definitely become the star of your own network TV show all about reviewing anal beads. 

If you possess the ability to never take "no" for an answer, even--no, ESPECIALLY--when you should, then you too can be like DreamHost's marketing department; living your dream and completely fucking it up at the same time. 

That, or they all hate their jobs and upper management doesn't actually look at anything they produce before it gets published.

Either or.