Long after the extremely displeasing experience that were Ruffles bacon chips, I finally mustered up the courage to buy another weird flavour of chip. This time, they were everybody's favorite corn chip-turned-meme, and the flavour was pickle. I know, pickle chips aren't out of the ordinary, but I'd never seen pickle Doritos before--and these were no ordinary pickle. No, as the bag boldly proclaimed, these were intense pickle. "Intense radical tubular pickle to the EXTREME," as I imagine the marketing manager said, discarding a half-empty Bud Light and unzipping his pants to urinate on his intern's plant.
"MARKETING!" he yelled into Brad's ear. "MARKETIIIIIING!"
So, you must understand, it was still a risk. My fiver was in jeopardy if these ended up tasting like something starving North Koreans would refuse. Thankfully, they didn't. They tasted like something North Koreans would be executed for eating, on account of delicious snack food being a capitalist evil that must be purged.
Unless, of course, you are Dear Leader.
Dear Leader can have as many snacks as he wants. Or else.
Anyway, they weren't really as intense as promised. The pickle and vinegar flavours were strong, and absolutely fucking delicious, but "intense" is a word that should be reserved for the salt and vinegar chips that leave your lips feeling like you fellated a salt lick for three hours. Those are intense, and not in a good way. The pickle Doritos were pretty heavy on the seasoning, as Doritos usually are, but the flavour was pitch-perfect. Just enough zing to make you go "woah," but not enough to make you go full 90's "WOOOAAAHHHHH," if you get my incomprehensible scale of woahs. Woah.
Basically, they were about as perfect as chips get. I inhaled the whole bag in a few minutes, getting enough green dust on my hands to look like I'd just fingerblasted the swamp monster. Seriously, they're delicious--that is, if you like pickle flavoured shit. If you don't like pickle flavoured shit, they should be avoided like people who wear a tail in public. Unfortunately, unlike people who wear a tail in public, pickle Doritos are only available in Canada. So, if you want to ride the mild-to-medium rollercoaster of dill-flavoured amazingness, you have to either live in moose country or order some online. And let's be real here; I don't think I need to tell you how much of a fatass you'll look like ordering chips on Amazon. Seriously, your credit card company will judge you. Amazon will judge you. The person selling bags of chips online will judge you. The eyes of the world will be upon ye, and for what? A powder-covered snack food that lasts half an hour at most. The question you must then ask yourself is: "Are Doritos™ Intense™ Pickle™ worth enduring the scorn and mockery of my fellow man?"
Maybe, dear reader. Maybe.